Cause you cant keep on running away. It will happen exactly the same. But you can just leave like before, and start all over again. 

Sometimes you just cant talk about it. The thing that bothers you so much. You wish you could share it with someone but you are afraid, you are afraid if they know about it, they will look at you differently, or even change their attitude towards you. 

I dont know. I dont know how to live this life. Somehow i dont know if i could keep going or not. Im so curious, how did they do that? Can i? I cant pretend anymore. What if all this time, im living my life the way people want me to? Not the way i want to? :) I cant be the person im not. I am lost. I really am. I know sooner or later this is gonna happen. I gotta let it go but i cant. Its my life already. How can i lose my life? My bad. Making a person as my life. Yap, my whole life. 

Who knows? Things change, people change, even life changes in any minute. So let it be. 

I dont know, i just wanna run away. I wanna escape. I dont wanna be here. I wanna forget everything, leave everyone i know and everything i have (except family and closest friend). I wanna start something new. I feel useless here, or everywhere? Oh God, i really dont wanna be here right now. I wanna go away!

Sometimes love means taking a step back. If you care about somebody, you should want them to be happy even if you wind up being left out. -Ted Mosby, himym

There's always a reason behind every thing. And sometimes you'd better not knowing what the reason is. The reason could be hurt, or maybe it's just something you don't wanna hear. And also everyone always, always have a reason for everything. Well i mean an excuse.

Step back, just step back. Dont let it happen again. Dont make a same mistake twice. Dont fall apart again. Ive been here before then shouldve known at the first place, it will never work out. No matter how many times i try. Damn. The stupidest thing is i let this happen again. Damn.

Maybe its time, time to stop. Time to let go of what feels so familiar. Time to leave behind what we have so far. Time to be what they've always expected us to be. Time to fight our ego and give what they want. It's not surrender, perhaps it's being mature. Or just loose? :)

Does it start now? Yes that's what i mean, life. Does it? I don't know, i don't like the world. Seems like the world doesn't like me either. Yes all this time i made someone becomes my life. It becomes my very first consideration when i'm going to do something. Anything....

Well i don't know if i can do this. Moving on isn't the hardest part but starting over is. What if we got our ass off this comfort zone and things change. And not to be better? What if we grew apart, and things don't go the way we've planned it? Can we just go back, having more time? 

I dont know somehow my deepest heart still believe that youre gonna come back someday. Like youre the one. I hope it's just a wrong feeling. I know i deserve better, everyone keeps telling me that, but when will that "better" thing come? I never try to get it back, ever. It's just, you know, sometimes you really miss it. When you feel all alone. Then it just showed up. Yea, perfect timing. Even ive tried so hard to ignore it. What if one day everyone gets one and i haven't yet? It shouldn't bother me but somehow im afraid of being alone. Im afraid of being left behind. Im also afraid, all this time i keep my heart safe because unconsciously, im waiting for you to come back. Damn.

You can't just give up. You gotta finish what you've started. It's not always something you enjoy doing. Sometimes it's something that kills you, that cause you pain, even sorrow. Just believe that there is something God has prepared for you. Something you never expected before, and of course, the best thing for you. Maybe you have to pass a few hard things before you get the right one. You have to sacrifice so many things for one thing that is really worth it. Just keep the faith. Oh God please lead me. 

It's okay. Everything's gonna be okay, right? Just breath. And i'll be fine. Let it be. Let it go. Dont bother yourself. *talking to myself*

I know how it will end, i know it wont last forever. So here's the plan, im just gonna enjoy what i have now as chill as possible. For what happen next? Lets just dont think about that until that time comes :) 

So, it's like im walking on the same path, just different role. Yes i became "the other one" who was on my path before. I guess karma really does exist. I'm afraid i know how it will end. If only it ended they way it was before, then im gonna break down (again) but this time, i dont think anyone will save me for the second time. Or i just dont let them to. I dont wanna harm anyone anymore. I was holding myself from getting attached to people hardly to avoid things like this to happen and i just cant. So this is it. This is the consequences that i should take. I should find a way out. But what i if i cant find it?

I know it's better to let go of things i cant control, let go if things that's not mine. 

i dont know when it started.
it just happened.
i have no idea how to stop this.
stop myself for being me.
or its just not me?
i think i get too attached. its like you are the center of my life and that freaks me out. im becoming so afraid of losing what i have now because it once happened to me and it messed me up. i dont want it to happen again but come on, who i am again? i should let go of things that i have no control of and start living my own life because in the end, everybody else are too busy saving their own life, arent they?

"You may care a lot about someone. You feel like you wanna protect them all the way but my dear, not everything about them is your business. Some things may be better left unknown. Either you dont deserve it, or youre just better not knowing".

yes, i agree that action speaks more than words. because you said no like thousands times but it only took one action to give me a prove that your words dont match your actions. guess im not the only one ;)

Dear my sister, i know you will never read this because i bet you dont even know if i have a blog haha. just so you know, since the day you told me that you are getting married, i cant stop wondering how our life would completely change. it's been (almost) 22 years and i just cant remember when was the last time we spend our time together, just you and me. have we? i know you're busy with your life and so am i but sometimes i want to have that sisterhood thing that so many people are talking about. may be that's why lately i ask you to go to the movie with me, or even just to buy some ice cream. but i guess youre busy making a lot of money and preparing your wedding well thats fine hehe.
You know what, they say marriage would change everything, like its the end of the era. but i do hope, that it could bring a positive change. i mean it could make us closer. hmm, yes or no? hahahaha. because youre gonna move out and i know youre gonna miss me so you will ask me to go with you more often. or... the worst possibility is it could take most of your time so you wont even have a minute for me. i choose the first possibility please. hehe.
But dont worry i'll do my best to help you preparing your wedding. whatever you need and i'll be your personal assistant for free (but you still have to pay the invitations and pre wedding because its nomaden project :p). well, im happy for you. and i always be so proud of you :)

Do you know how it kills, knowing the person you trust the most is keeping something from you while you thought youve known everything about them? You trust them with your life but then you know something you never expected before. That was really heartbreaking... You cant even get mad, you cant even cry because you have no power for it. Youre just trying not to believe it, and you wish you never found out

"Sometimes you easily forgive someone because you still want them in your life". Yea i usually do that but somehow, this time isn't that easy. I find it so hard to forgive. I will never forget i guess. I was so disappointed. Wait, i still am. I get mad everytime remember that sh*t. My heart says just forgive but my head says no. What do you think? Am i an idiot because i got into the same trouble more than 2 times? Yea maybe i am. It's my fault for trusting too much.

People will come and go. Even the ones who promise you will stay no matter what, could possibly leave. 
I regret some decisions I’ve made and can do nothing to change. Well, what have happened can’t be changed okay then. I just have to be more careful next time. Noted that. 
I really wanna stop doing things because of others or even for others, without considering about what I want and what I need. Because some people say that I will not live forever with them, but i will live forever with myself. And yes, that’s correct.

day by day passed, we're growing up, we learned to be better. i started to see things differently. i'm (still) learning to let go, trying not to be stubborn, and accepting the truth that not everything's gonna the way i want them to. maybe what i want is not what i need and what feels good is not always right. i should know that i cant have every single thing i want. maybe just some of it, or even not at all. not only things but also about people. i should understand that life is changing, i cant have them. i cant force people to always be there for me because they have life(s) to live, things to do. i cant be selfish anymore. they say even friends go, life must go on. so okay then...
hmm i also have so many dreams and hopes. i dream high and hope for the best. but i have to prepare for the worst either. be prepared so if only things dont go the way i plan it, i could be mature enough and just let them go. i wont force anything to happen anymore. i just want to believe that if it's meant to be, it will be... goodnight :)

I was wondering, why am i bothering myself by taking care so much about others while they never do the same? Why cant i be careless? I think from now on i just need to close my eyes, cover my ears and dont give a fck about anything but myself.

why cant i just move on and leave it behind? holding back is killing me. i wish i could just forget it all. i need distraction. i really do.

What's the matter? Maybe I'm not perfect like them, so what? Maybe I can't do what they can, so what? Is it a problem? I don't know what the good point of this thing is. The point of being near to the people who are exactly "more" than i am, in every way. I dont say i'm jealous. I'm just... Emmm, let's say i'm just insecure.
I'm trying so hard not to running away. I'm doing my best to stay and act like everything is extremely fine. Yea, i'm pretending. Pretending to like listening to their stories, their lifes. But the truth? I'm sick of it. I don't care. Why should i give fck about their life when no one even cares about mine? Well actually i don't have one i guess. That's why no one cares. Because i don't even have one to share... Got it. Poor me.

can anyone just stop this? i wanna run away. i wanna do exactly the same with what i've done before. something's threating me. or it's just me feel that way. i fckin hate this situation damn. if i dont like something then nothing can ever change it! can i just walk away from all of this? damn it. it doesnt feel good. everything seems wrong. i cant stand on it anymore. if i could choose, i would just walk away and leave it all behind. but i cant. i responsible of something here. i know it will happen sooner or later. ive tried my best to cover it up but i dont succeed. i remember how it feels, how it really bothers me. yea, and i feel it again. am waiting for the time when it doesnt bother me so much anymore, but when will that time come? will it? is stop caring the way out? i cant just stop caring and act like nothing happen. somebody needs me, i guess. so i cant just leave and save myself. thats selfish... should i fight this? well well i know i gotta fight this feeling but it never worked out! hmmm i know it will be hurt if i struggle, but they say no pain no gain right? maybe pain changes people, either changes someone to be better or even worse. who knows? or perhaps i just have to believe words "if it's not easy then it will be worth it". but what if it's not? yaa at least ive tried: doing my best for what i really need :)

well, screw this. i cant find any other solution for this problem. ive been in this situation before and i need someone to save me. why cant i fix problems on my own? im trying to fight this. people say the hardest battle you will ever be on is with yourself, and i guess theyre right. i shouldnt make the same mistake twice, but i did. yea i did. and have no idea to fix it. can we just go back to the start? i need to fix a few things in the past so i wont be in this situation right now. $%^(*$@#$%^(;* what should i do nooooww??

And it's happening again. I know exactly how it will end. Damn. Why? Why is this happening for the second time?? I cant say who's right and who's wrong. Well well i guess the blame is on me because the first time is probably a mistake, but if it's happening again for the second time, then it's a choice. And i made a wrong choice. I cant just walk away. I wish i could. But emmm, i dont have any other solution. i gotta make a difference but hoooww? This is sh*t!!!

We never know what will happen tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, and so on and so on. We never know what will change us, how our life could completely change. And we never be ready, but we have to survive. I think... I need to survive now. I'm not ready for this. Really really not. Time flies so fast and i feel left behind. I can't follow. I am also afraid i will lose what i have now. That feeling bothers me. I put something on some place and now i regret it. Damn. Wtf is happening to me? Alright, this year is tough enough :)

I dont know where to start. i dont know how to say it. what i know is i feel empty. i feel like i dont belong here. im a dead man walking. anyone has any solution for me? i cant even describe my feeling. damn. so many things in my head, i just cant say it out loud. i wish someone could hear my silent scream. i need a lil help in here. im a lil depressed. i lost control of myself, i dont know who took over. my mind kills me. my heart still feels unsafe. this is the fourth times but i still cant handle it. damn.